Basic rules for helping yourself
This article shows you some basic things that you can do to help improve your paruresis. They may not fully cure your condition, however if you follow some of the suggestions here, you may find that you condition improves. It is important to try and follow the guidelines every time you go to the bathroom – progress will take time and the more you practice these suggestions, the more natural they will become.
Relax!
Being tense makes it more difficult to urinate. Ensure that you breathe slowly and deeply, fully relaxing your abdomen. Deep slow breathing will calm you down and help you to relax. Breathe in slowly through your nose and hold for four seconds before breathing out slowing through your mouth.
Lean slightly backwards until your thigh muscles are not tensed. Bend your knees slightly. Let your shoulders relax. Scrunch them up to your ears and then drop them down again.
Anxious people often tighten their abdomen which puts pressure on the bladder. Try to relax your stomach muscles.
Understand your hesitancy
Hesitancy is the delay between being ready to go and the flow actually beginning. Hesitancy is normal and everyone has a different hesitancy length – from milliseconds to up to 15 seconds. When you are in a relaxed environment, time yourself to find what your normal hesitancy is. Most people, even those who do not suffer from paruresis, find that their hesitancy increases in unknown places. Some may even not be able to go at all, however they do not see this as a problem. So, you will also find that your hesitancy length will increase whenever you are not home – it is entirely normal!
Stop the negative thoughts
Try to control your negative thoughts. The moment a negative thought pops up, try to clear it from your mind. Relax, and breathe slowly. Recognize the thought as negative and say to yourself it is not based in reality. Now try to think of a positive thought – ‘I can always try again later’, or perhaps ‘I have more interesting things on my mind right now’. The important thing is to focus on something other than the negative thoughts so no more can arise.
Remember, whatever you may think, no one else is judging you. They are not interested in you – they have other things on their mind!
Wait it out!
If other people are in the bathroom with you and you are unable to go, wait it out. They will eventually leave. Contrary to what you may think, no-one will notice or care. In fact, the busier the place, the easier it is to wait it out. Most men avoid standing next to each other at urinals unless there is no choice. In this situation, many will choose to use a cubicle anyway. It’s your personal space and you are entitled to do so! If someone does look up at your as you walk by, they are not thinking about you! It is an automatic reaction to see what has gone past and is in no way a judging look.
Tell people
Tell someone you trust – it is a social anxiety and they will be able to support you through it. Ensure that you emphasize that it affects your life and your peace of mind. Let them know that just them knowing about it takes the pressure off you. You can also let them know that they can help you by taking your needs into account – about when and where to go out and how long to stay out, and to cover for you if you take a long time.
When you go out, desensitize yourself to the environment. Experience normal conditions. Most sufferers don’t know what passes for routine behaviour in public toilets because they are so fearful when they do go, they do not notice. Go into the public toilets – maybe to just wash your hands. You will soon realise that no-one cares. Soon, it will become boring and you will be desensitized. Now you can start to use the toilet. If you find yourself becoming anxious, leave the toilet as you do not want to reinforce the anxiety.
Nerve Stimulation (for men only)
Some men have a nerve which, when stimulated, can cause them to urinate substantially. It is located in the bit of the penis sking which anchors the shaft sking to the underneath tip of the penis. If you are uncircumcised, you will need to retract the foreskin. Just a slight touch can cause an urge. Tickling the base of the spine just above the coccyx can also help both men and women.
Focus
Non-sufferers will focus on the cubicle or urinal they are headed for when they enter the toilet. Sufferers will tend to focus on the people in the toilet and everything which is around them. Discipline yourself to focus on where you are going to and deliberately ignore anyone else who may be in the toilet with you.
Try again later
If you are unable to go after 2 minutes, leave and try again later, otherwise you will reinforce the negative anxiety.
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matrix | Feb 2, 2008 | Reply
Hello, i have a problem called Parunesis, and i’m really worried about the problem. Maybe there is some physical or mental exercises that i can do to help myself..?
bassdog | May 14, 2008 | Reply
Hey Matrix. Here are some techniques I incorporate for my Parunesis. I also take narcotics for chronic pain management so it’s like a double whammy!!! Anyway, at home I find it hard to start the flow for a couple of minutes so I almost always, sit instead of stand, which helps with muscle tension. It also helps me just to relax in general. I also always read a magazine, and if I find myself “clenching up” I start to read out loud. It doesn’t usually have to be really loud (that others can hear) but just loud enough where I’m focusing on the reading material and not the micturition. I realize it is A LOT harder in public so what I try and do is visualize myself in another place or try to remember song lyrics. I call it my “internal jukebox”. I’ll play a song back in my head and try to focus on the lyrics or the guitar or the bass, drums, etc. This helps a lot but I still have problems in certain situations, i.e. drug test, doctor’s offics, etc. Just KEEP TRYING anything that works! You can do it! Also, try to remember that nobody REALLY cares what your doing anyway. I know sometimes it’s hard to get yourself to believe that a lot of times, but they really don’t! Positive reinforcement and practice are the 2 best things, I believe. Hope this helps you out even somewhat, as I have lived this “hell” for most of my life. I think it really just comes down to relaxing and mind over matter.
James -London | Mar 2, 2009 | Reply
Hi thanks for this advice.. I have suffered for almost 10 years now (starting around 16).. it’s really annoying. I know I’m not the only one, and I have told some friends about it, (it’s not really that embarrassing), and some don’t even believe me! I have no idea what caused it, but I remember the exact moment I felt it first- at a gig somewhere in a crowded toilet. I think I felt that I was being watched, maybe judged, perhaps I was taking some time to ‘go’. anyway, since then I have found it incredibly difficult to pee even if I think someone might come into the toilet.. I sometimes find my bladded literally cutting off mid flow when someone comes into the toilet. it’s terrible!-possibly dangerous for my health.
The funniest thing I’ve done is tell myself (whilst alone, and anxious in the toilet) that this is the last 30 seconds I have before leaving on a spacecraft to the moon.. and if I don’t pee then I wont have another chance for weeks- and for some reason my body/brain believes it. Another thing I’ve imagined is that I’m the last person on earth, or that the toilet door is being guarded by a bouncer.. It’s all jokes really, but it works… I just wish I didn’t have to do it.
I hope they’ll find a cure, or some real treatment, but for now I’ll practise until it’s improved. – I may even see a councillor. Anyway, good luck to all those other pee shy people out there!